the one about the temper tantrum

So I’m at the grocery store the other day and as I turn the aisle I see at the other end a scene.  A mom with four little ones is wrestling with a girl about 3 who is wriggling on the floor and screaming at the top of her lungs.  She’s crying and screaming out words of a language I can’t understand but the mom is saying; I told you, NO.  You cannot have a soda in the store.  Just then she looks up.  She sees me watching this scene. I froze.  What was my face saying?  Did she feel judged?  Embarrassed?  Or was she sort of used to public displays of torture?  I wanted to become invisible.  I imagine she did too.   I mean we were alone in the aisle and how could you not look.  I quickly turned to the soup and pretended to get interested in minestrone.  Meanwhile the little girl is on the floor kicking and screaming like she was resisting arrest.  I turned around and exited the aisle, but the screaming continued.

Are you familiar with this scene? Have you witnessed a child go nuclear on a parent in a pubic setting? Restaurants, stores, doctor’s offices, even fun places like theme parks.  What sort of responses have you witnessed?  I’ve seen every response, from parents pretending to ignore the miniature terrorist to parents carrying the child out of the public place on their shoulder like a bag of angry potatoes.  While the child continues to punch, kick, and scream.  Maybe your familiarity is more intimate.  You’ve been that parent.  Suddenly, when the meltdown that typically begins with the word “no”, is in full force, you feel like you’re both alone and on stage in front of a live studio audience at the same time. Right?  It’s pretty awful. You want the Marines, a clinical psychiatrist, and the child’s grandparents to intervene.  Right?  Get me out of here.  Embarrassment and frustration.  You try to remain calm, but you want to lock the kid up in a sound proof room for 24 hours of solitary confinement.  And you want to be transported to a private beach with that novel you started two months ago that you haven’t had time to continue reading because you are a parent and you are exhausted.

 Ah parenting. It has its moments of joy and exasperation.  Now what about a parent whose child has a chronic condition of some sort.  We are pretty compassionate toward people with a child who has a disability, I suspect.  That must be hard. But what about children with behavioral disabilities or mental illness.  There is a disorder called oppositional defiant disorder. 

Mayo clinic website says: “It may be difficult at times to recognize the difference between a strong-willed or emotional child and one with oppositional defiant disorder. It's normal to exhibit oppositional behavior at certain stages of a child's development. But there is a range between the usual independence-seeking behavior of children and that of oppositional defiant disorder.

Signs of ODD generally begin before a child is 8 years old. Sometimes ODD may develop later, but almost always before the early teen years. When ODD behavior develops, the signs tend to begin gradually and then worsen over months or years.

Your child may be displaying signs of ODD instead of normal moodiness if the behaviors:

·         Are persistent

·         Have lasted at least six months

·         Are clearly disruptive to the family and home or school environment

The following are behaviors associated with ODD:

·         Negativity

·         Defiance

·         Disobedience

·         Hostility directed toward authority figures

These behaviors might cause your child to regularly and consistently:

·         Have temper tantrums

·         Be argumentative with adults

·         Refuse to comply with adult requests or rules

·         Annoy other people deliberately

·         Blames others for mistakes or misbehavior

·         Acts touchy and is easily annoyed

·         Feel anger and resentment

·         Be spiteful or vindictive

·         Act aggressively toward peers

·         Have difficulty maintaining friendships

·         Have academic problems

·         Feel a lack of self-esteem

ODD.  That’s odd. Its also tragically disruptive behavior.  My cousin’s son was diagnosed with it.  They’ve been treating him for years. There’s been improvement, but it has made socialization, schooling, and work very difficult for him. The nature vs. nurture argument tends to look at the parents with judgment.  No discipline there.  But what if there are people, children, who suffer from an illness that causes bad behavior?   

My grandma Morse used to babysit kids.  She had one little girl she affectionately called the demon child.  This little girl was a sharknado inside a hurricane. She was mean and threw a tantrum every day.  She was caught stealing and ended up in jail by the time she was a teen.

Jesus goes to tyre and sidon. There is no reason for him to go there.  He has no itinerary.  He has not found a hotel deal there.  He goes where he is led to go.  And even Jesus, the man, is sometimes led to places and to people whom he would rather avoid.  As they arrive a woman appears.  She is yelling at him, ‘Lord, son of David have mercy on me.”  This is Matthew’s code to us:  This woman has faith in Jesus already planted in her heart before he arrives.  Picture a young African woman, dressed in rags, coming toward them.  She is crying.  And the compassionate healer ignores her?  The disciples compel him to send her away.  He treats her like an outcast.  Culturally she is, to the Jewish man, a nobody.  Invisible, untouchable, untreatable. But she persists in her begging.  She begs for her sick daughter, a demon child, with a violent temper.  Jesus refuses to console her help.  He will not share the children’s bread with the dogs.  His power is reserved for Israel.  She is not eligible.  There are limits and boundaries to his service. But she is not looking for Jesus to feed the world, just give her a crumb.  Not a bonfire of holiness, but a single matchstick. Not a global vaccine but a single pill.  She is bold to even ask twice.  Her desperation is demonstrative of a mother’s unyielding love.  What we wouldn’t do for our children, even in their worst or darkest moments.

And Jesus is changed. He sees the light.  Perhaps his purpose is revealed to him in that encounter, in that moment of brave vulnerability.  A woman surrounded by 12 men?  What might they demand from her as payment for her request? She didn’t care.  She believed he could help.

And that’s what he does.  Great is the faith of the mother whose love made her fall on her knees and beg for mercy. 

There are parents in our community on their knees begging for mercy too.  They may never come to church, but they’re looking for Jesus.  The challenges are too hard. They are stuck, alone in public, and need help.  Jesus invites us to show compassion that transcends our own limits and boundaries. What are they for you?  Who is it hard to feel compassionate toward?  Why do we avoid contact with a struggling parent?  Fear?  Maybe just a word of understanding, a knowing look, and a, “I’ve been there, too.” Faith is not religious practice, it is trusting the Lord for help every day.  May you see it in others and give some of yours away.  Amen.