task force or forced into another task...?

I met a dozen people today. A few clergy people. And several priests or ministers who live out their vocations in non-ordained or non-rostered lives. We were brought together by a common passion for prison ministry to form a "prison ministry task force" for this synod. The initiator of the group is a woman who is passionately called to prison ministry, is seeking financial and institutional support to more fully engage in it as a newly ordained pastor. (I am suggesting that some of her motives are selfish ones, but her heart is planted in the liberating justice/mercy of GOD.) As for me and my prison visits, I can hardly call my weekly venture a passion. I am devoted to it. I enjoy going. I feel a sense of calling to it. But passionate? I'd rather not have a calling to go to prison every week to be honest. I'd rather not feel compassion for these guys and their families. I'd rather not feel compelled to go and tell them the good news. I'd like to be that guy I was last year. Dad. Husband. Pastor. Trying to survive parish ministry. Thinking about mission development, synodical transformation, etc...but not prison ministry. Missional, incarnational, cruciform ministry is harder to practice. And it is counter cultural and counter to the institutional church. I now spend more time engaging non-members than members. I wonder what the members think of this? Whose Pastor am I? I guess that is a question that needs to be asked by me, this congregation, the ELCA. The vocational ministry of the ordained clergy has been narrowly practiced. GK Chesterton said, "The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." Is the pastor's ministry exclusively congregationalist? To preach and teach, to pray and serve the congregation to whom he is called? Or is the pastor the leader of a movement of spiritually formed missionaries sent to bear witness to the transforming grace of the gospel in the neighborhood/world? Is there a balance to strike? Is it possible to serve two masters---the ones who pay our salaries and the ones who don't? I lean toward the latter and seek not to strike a balance but to increasingly engage in gospel ministry outside of congregational life. To whom are we called and sent? I am not being questioned about my weekday ministry. And I am relatively transparent about it, too. I share on Sunday what God is doing Monday-Saturday. All this is to say that I have undregone a spiritual/vocational transformation in the past two years that has been profound, ground-shifting. And it is hard to embody this transformation weekly because I am being called to dark and complicated places where there is brokenness, pain, fear, grief, anxiety, shame, and a lack of spiritual maturity. I see two men every week and I should see at least two others. but I don't want to take on another two guys' stories and struggles and spiritual needs.
Because there is also more local family ministry calling me. I met two families this week. Both facing their own challenges. Economic, social, spiritual, relational. And I wondered in both circumstances, as I wonder when I go to prison. Am I what or who they need? What can I possibly offer them that will seriousl make a dent in their daily lives? I'm broken too. A "cracked eikon" to borrow Scot McKnight's language (in his book "Embracing Grace", cracked eikons refers to the broken state of sin and death we are in, even though we are icons of God, made in His image and called to reflect His grace and glory as children and heirs and followers of the Christ). So what can I bring them? I met Gary and Deanna and their three kids. I met Sierra and her three kids, too. I know that this is a privilege to be invited into their lives. Even when there are challenges, struggles, and truth to be told in love. Even when we can't solve the promblem ,can't erase the debt, fix the cracks, etc...Maybe all we do is trust GOD. Let the rest go. Hope for the Kingdom. Pray for peace and reconciliation. And stay out of the way. I am reminded of how little of the daily work of ministry is about me and my intellect or generosity of spirit. God does it all. We just showed up for it.